Short Takes

A 'PAWS' THAT REFRESHES

The ongoing controversy over tainted pet food continues to spawn new products. The latest being marketed out of Georgetown, Texas, is VitaPaw, “a vitamin-enhanced water for cats and dogs,” according to a release. And who would buy such a product? “Not everyone feeds the highest quality pet foods, because of cost or habit, and a good vitamin supplement can add the missing nutrition,” said a company rep. Which begs the obvious question: If people are buying their pets cheap food, what makes anyone think they’ll spring for expensive water? Make up your own mind; the stuff is available at the VitaPaw Web site, at $1.50 a half-liter or $2.25 for a liter bottle. Tap water is still basically free.

ANOTHER PROBLEM WE WEREN'T AWARE OF

How’s the air in your office? If you suspect it might contain unsafe levels of carbon dioxide (which is what we all exhale while breathing), the folks at ToxAir.com are selling the solution. The Oak Park, Illinois, company is marketing the AirHound, which attaches to your vacuum cleaner to collect an air sample that can then be sent in for testing. We assume that if folks aren’t falling over dead, the air is OK, but why take a chance? Full details are at their Web site, which also has one of the more bizarre “demo videos” we’ve seen in some time; There’s No Sound! You have to watch it and try to guess what they’re doing. Strange days, indeed.

SET 'EM UP, DANNY BOY

Most folks remember actor Danny DeVito’s appearance on TV’s morning gabfest The View last November, when he showed up after a night of “socializing” with fellow thespian George Clooney. DeVito admitted to having consumed a number of “Limoncello” beverages, and apparently enjoyed the stuff so much he’s now coming out with his own branded line via Harbrew Imports, Ltd. (With thanks for the heads-up to regular “Short Takes” reader Chris H.) This estate-crafted, lemon-flavored liqueur called “Danny DeVito’s Premium Limoncello” was unveiled today at the Wine and Spirits Wholesalers of America Annual Convention in Orlando. And if you need a personal endorsement for the stuff, take a second look at the actor’s visit to The View, courtesy of our friends at YouTube. Cheers!

"YOU WILL BUYYYYY THIS BOOK!"

Striking out in the love department? An advocate of hypnosis thinks you should try his Web site that offers, among other things, spells for use on the object of your desire when all else fails. The site is called The Love Stroke.com (Oy vey) and offers this subtle advice: “One answer to the problem of a reluctant lover might be to hypnotize her, convince her that ‘she wants you, she needs you, she loves you’, then sit back and reap the rewards.” (Yeah, good advice there, Kreskin.) They also justify using such methods thusly: "This is exactly what happens every day in messages from advertisers, salespeople and marketers of all types. It is just as ethical as someone of either sex wearing attractive clothing, makeup, hair coloring or fragrances to attract and seduce the people they desire.” (Uhhh, no, it’s not.) How soon do you think it’ll be before we see these folks on a hidden camera on NBC’s Dateline? Sheesh.

EW. EW. EW.

We understand that some marketers like to tie in their efforts to holidays or other seasonal events, but the current effort by the Puritan’s Pride vitamin company gives us a case of what our late grandma used to call “The Willies.” The company is pushing a “Spring Cleaning” package, as “a simple way for everyone to do for their bodies, what they do every spring for their homes … a little spring cleaning.” They go on to tout the five special supplements included in this discounted package, including: Tonalin CLA to support dieting goals; Extra Strength Water Pills with potassium to promote fluid balance; Acidophilus to support digestion; Liv-A-New to aid healthy liver function; and lastly, Colon Care+ to support regularity. (Nice mental image, huh?) Better you should up your veggie and fruit intake instead.

SPEAKING OF SQUEAMISH THINGS

The only wild animals we see in suburbia are the occasional raccoon or possum, and they usually run away to a storm drain when spotted. But folks in outlying areas might be vexed by moles, gophers, voles, shrews, woodchucks, chipmunks, prairie dogs and squirrels, among others tearing up their crops, so they might want to know about the “CritterGetter.” It’s a simple product being marketed at CritterGetter.com, and what it is, is a contraption with a 50-foot length of hose that attaches to your car’s tailpipe. The other end goes into a mole-hole in the ground and then … No More Mole. A demonstration can be seen at their Web site under “Tips & Tricks”; click on the Gallery or SlideShow buttons. Somebody went to a lot of trouble to put this together, so we can only assume there’s a huge market for it.

THINGS WE NEVER KNEW, PART 5

We really should get out more. Now there’s a new product on the market designed to “protect high heels from damage caused by sidewalk cracks, escalators, curbs, car mats and other abrasive surfaces.”(Seriously; we had no idea this was a problem. Is this one reason SOMEONE in our house buys lots of shoes?) The invention is called Smart Heel, a plastic shield that slips over the high heels of fancy dress shoes to protect them while the wearer is walking. Question: If the shoe needs that, doesn’t that make the shoe kind of a piece of crap? (Again, we’re male, and our shoes last for YEARS.) The wearer is then supposed to remove the Smart Heel protectors upon arrival at the fancy venue. Thankfully, they have a full instructional video at their Web site showing how it’s done. Seems like it would be smarter just to wear sneakers and change when you got there….

IF YOU CAN'T BEAT 'EM, JOIN 'EM

Designer April Spring always worried whether her undies were visible over the tops of her jeans, a concern that never seemed to bother the men she saw. Actually, she felt the men seemed to revel in showing off the tops of their boxers. So Spring has launched a new line of women’s underwear that have colorful boxer-bands across the tops, attached to three different styles down below: Lace Boxer, Boy Short, and "B-String" thong. The various models can be seen at her Foxers Boxers Web site, where they can also be ordered at the rather full-figured price of $20 to $32 a pair. That seems rather steep to us; last time we needed bloomers, we paid eight bucks for a three-pack at Target.

CHEAPER THAN A STUN-GUN

The folks at Aspen Pet.com have come up with what they believe is an ingenious solution to the problem of a dog who jumps on visitors or is otherwise underfoot around the house. The product is called “Stay!”, a clamp that attaches to the underside of a door, which you then clip the dog’s leash to keep the mutt in a confined area, “without caging or isolating him from the action.” Maybe, but here’s a thought: (Visual: Striking righteous pose, wagging finger at Bad Pet Owners.) How about training the offending dog to listen to what you say and to obey commands? Sometimes the right solution costs more than money. (Stomps off, muttering…)

BURY THE PAST, LITERALLY

You’ve got to hand it to Westchester, N.Y., divorcee Jill Testa. After her 20-year marriage ended, she hammered her wedding band into a pancake, but then didn’t know what to do with it. So she and her brother invented the Wedding Ring Coffin, which they’re now marketing online at the eponymous Web site. It’s exactly what it sounds like; a miniature coffin to place a wedding ring that’s no longer worn. And for $29.95 plus shipping, you can also get an engraved plaque to go with it, with an option of sayings including, “Six feet isn’t deep enough!” Oooh, bitter much?