Short Takes

HOW'D WE MISS THIS HOLIDAY?

Leave it to the Brits to come up with a holiday we’ve never heard of. It’s “National Kissing Day,” and it’s coming up on July 6. We got word of it via Interflora, their version of 1-800 Flowers, who are pushing the day hard in order to sell more flowers. Makes sense, but they went a tad heavy on the promotion: “Apart from being jolly good fun, kissing is good for us. Fact. For those with an athletic disposition it's worth remembering that an hour spent kissing burns off up to 600 calories, the same number as in six glasses of white wine or a medium bar of chocolate,” they said in a release. Who knew? And they add: “Kissing can help alleviate headaches, helps keep your teeth clean (Ed.: Really?) and gives us happy highs due to the oxytocin it causes our bodies to release.” Man, someone oughta market that holiday HERE!

HEY, SLACKER! LISTEN UP

Our good friends at human resource solutions company Ceridian haven’t been heard from in a while. Let’s face it; you don’t think about them until you’re hiring or laying off. So in order to draw a little attention to themselves during a slow period, they took a survey of the most unusual excuses managers have been given by absent employees. As we here at Short Takes are big fans of surveys, we’re happy to repeat some of the best. And why were some folks absent last year? “The barometer was too high”; I dropped my kid’s bike on my foot”; “My car tires were repossessed, and my car was up on blocks”; and our current favorite, “My apartment was so cold that my hair froze after I washed it.” Hey, we think we KNOW some of those people!

DOG POOP IS SOMEONE'S BREAD & BUTTER

The folks who market the Skooperbox dog-litter pick-up thingie are pretty chuffed; they sent out a release that their product is going to be featured in the inflight magazine, SkyMall’s 2007 Holiday Edition. Which is all well and good if you know what the product is. We didn’t, so we went to Skooperbox.com and got an eyeful. The device is used to clean up after your mutt, and is touted as being more environmentally friendly than using a plastic bag. But click on the TV news video link on their homepage, and watch a “user” learn about it. They actually show her not only “scooping,” but then she throws the whole package in her kitchen trash bin! (She didn’t pass ONE outside garbage can while walking home?) Uck!

EVERYBODY WANTS TO GET INTO THE ACT

We’re amazed that more companies haven’t tried to latch on to Apple’s frenzy for its new iPhone, which officially launches tomorrow. But at least the marketers at Playboy are trying. They’ve announced the debut of iPlayboy, “a collection of multimedia features guaranteed to turn up the heat on that cool, new phone. iPhone owners may visit Playboy.com to download a free set of twelve sexy non-nude [Ed.: What’s the point?] Playmate wallpapers, a separate photo album with twelve additional Playmate photos, a complete 1-hour episode of Playboy Radio's "The Playmate Hour" and a Playboy.com Cyber Girl video, all customized for the Apple iPhone.” Why anyone would want this is beyond us; it’s like saying to the world, “Hey! Check out this picture of a girl that I’ll never, ever in my life get close to!”

DO YOU REALLY WANT TO ADVERTISE THAT?

We know some folks who really like beer, and Beer Gear might well appeal to them. It’s a Web site that sells shirts, caps and beer cozies for, well, beer drinkers, which is all well and good. But is that really the smartest thing to wear when you’ve been out pounding down a few? Further, their Web site at Beer Gear USA.com also invites pictures of customers shown wearing their gear while imbibing. Fun now, but what happens a few years hence when you grow up and those pix are still floating around the Web, hmmmm? OK, we’re climbing down off our soapbox now. (When did we get so OLD?)

ANOTHER SPECIAL DAY REMEMBERED

Patriotic Americans realize that next Wednesday is the 4th of July, an important holiday for everyone, but especially those who get the day off. But next week also marks the third anniversary of plastic surgeon Dr. Ricardo Rodriguez observing “All Buttocks Procedures Without a Single Touch-Up or Re-do” day. (Yeah, seriously, that’s the release he issued.) While we understand that every business needs to keep their name out there, we sympathize with the good Doc. What else is he gonna do: take out an ad with “before” and “after” pictures of his famed “Brazilian Butt-Lift” procedure? Hardly. They’re all over his Web site at CosmeticSurg.net, and believe us, they ain’t pretty. See for yourself, but they’re not entirely Safe for Work. Ooofah!

SPEAKING OF MEDS AND ADVERTISING

Got a dictionary lying around? Most folks do, and they rarely buy another one, unless it’s as a gift (Yeah, THANKS Mom!). So dictionary makers Merriam-Webster have put their stuff online, so word-seekers can get a fast answer and maybe look at a few ads touting their print product while visiting Merriam-Webster.com. Now they’ve raised the bar even further with the addition of the new Merriam-Webster Online Medical Dictionary. Hypochondriacs everywhere will rejoice (Yes, we’re glancing in YOUR direction, Muldoon.) as they can now confirm their own diagnoses instantly instead of waiting hours to see the doctor. Very smart marketing, indeed. Wait, what’s that rash??

TRULY THE BEST SEAT IN THE HOUSE

Our good friends at Kohler Co., makers of kitchen and bath necessities, have outdone themselves this time. They’re marketing a high-end (no pun intended) toilet seat that has everything you never even knew you wanted in such a throne. With a built-in bidet-like feature, “….in addition to two cleansing wands providing warm aerated water, the C3 toilet seat also features a heated seat with three temperature settings; a warm-air fan for partial drying; a lighted bowl that eliminates the need to turn on a light at night; a deodorizer that minimizes unpleasant odors; a Quiet-Close seat/cover that prevents slamming; and Quick-Release hinges to easily remove the seat for cleaning.” If you can just get beyond the idea of sitting, buck nekkid, on something that’s electrified, near water, you’ll be fine. Treat yourself royally and check it out at Kohler.com. Click on the button that reads “Controls.” So many choices!

SPEAKING OF HIGH-END NAMES

It’s been awhile since we heard from Donald Trump’s people (And we KNOW you read this newsletter, Big Guy. Admit it!), but they came through today with yet another branded item bearing the Trump seal of approval. To wit: “Trump Home floor fashion will debut at the Atlanta International Rug Market, July 15-18, 2007. … The floor fashion collections consist of superior quality, hand tufted and hand woven pieces, which have been designed to create high-end appeal at an affordable price point. Crafted from New Zealand wool and incorporating silk highlights, the attention to detail in the design and materials is reflected in two Trump Home collections: Westchester and Central Park.” Sounds nice, but we can’t help but notice how studiously they almost completely avoided using the word “Rugs.” What? We’re just sayin’.

'HEY, D.E.A.: NEENER, NEENER!'

Most energy drinks come in a can these days, packed full of caffeine, taurine and other speedy substances. But the folks behind “Blow” have thrown all caution to the wind and are pushing their product in the most blatant way possible. The stuff, in white powder form (and containing 240 grams of caffeine and 2,000 grams of Taurine. Yow!), comes in resealable glass vials. You’re supposed to dump the contents into any 16 oz. beverage and drink it. Subtle, no? Even more in your face is their Web site at I Love Blow.com, complete with scantily-clad babes on the homepage, although we can’t discern exactly why they’re there. They also offer branded “I Love Blow” T-shirts, tank-tops and thongs (But of course!) for sale. You should buy some Blow now, because it’s only a matter of time before the Feds get in a twist and shut them down. Then you’ll own a collector’s item! (But, on the downside, the government will also have your address as a customer. Your call.)