Short Takes

. . . OR THEY COULD USE THIS

Parking Logistics of Dallas is trying to get a new idea off the ground. It’s a Web-based platform for finding and reserving parking spaces. We personally just cruise around the block a few times until a spot opens up, but the company thinks thy have a better way utilizing navigation systems or a PC to reserve your spot ahead of time. No word on what it’ll cost, as they’re still in beta and looking for investors. Details are at Parking Logistics.net, but if we had a say, we’d change the name. They want to call the new entity “PSpotz.” Um, ew.

MARKETING NIGHTMARE

Next time you think you’ve got the worst assignment ever, be glad that Japan’s Kaneko Sangyo Co. isn’t your client. The company revealed this week that it’s coming out with a portable toilet usable for the car when traffic’s jammed and you, uhhh, aren’t. The company says the “Kurumarukun” toilet (And man, we hope that isn’t something dirty; we searched ALL OVER for a translation) is small enough to fit into a suitcase and goes on sale in November. Briefly, it’s a cardboard toilet bowl you assemble with a plastic liner, and then pull a supplied curtain around you for privacy. We assume you shouldn’t use it on a bus or train. No word on pricing, which is kinda immaterial; we’d rather bust than use one of these.

THIS CALL'S FOR YOU

Also from the Land of the Rising Sun today, Web-based publisher Spicy Soft Corp. is pushing its “Anti-Groping Appli” for cell phones, specifically for use in Japan. With its notoriously packed trains and guys with roaming hands, “The application flashes increasingly threatening messages in bold print on the phone's screen to show to the offender: "Excuse me, did you just grope me?" "Groping is a crime," and finally, "Shall we head to the police?" To activate it, users simply press an "Anger" icon in the program to progress to the next threat. A warning chime accompanies each message. The designer says it’s “for women who want to scare away perverts with minimum hassle and without attracting attention.” It’ll never sell in New York; folks here prefer to state their objections a little more clearly (To say the least).

AND WE HIT THE TRIFECTA

Dunno why, but we also got THIS little treat in our inbox today: Noriko of Japan is pushing not a wig, but a “Hair Enhancer.” As best as we can discern, it’s a “hair cap” that’s to be used by people with a bit of hair loss they want to cover up (Which pretty well describes Your Faithful Correspondent; see pic under “Blog Spot” at Brandweek.com). The caps “…allow you the freedom to part your enhancer where you like it, and feel very soft to the scalp, if you are sensitive in that way” they say (Awww.) They also note these are NOT wigs, so “four pressure-sensitive wig clips are used to attach the enhancer to your existing hair. Important: This means you have to have some hair to attach the hair enhancer.” Rats, foiled again. See the contraption in all its glory at Wig Salon.com.

OH, HOW THE MIGHTY HAVE FALLEN

We always assumed being on Donald Trump’s Marketing 101 show, The Apprentice, would lead to HUGE things. We may have to rethink that after the following popped up in our inbox: “Bradford Cohen, Formerly of the Apprentice, Announces the Opening of 1-800-Muffins.com.” Yeah, it’s a Web site where you can order muffins online. We think the idea is you send someone a dozen muffins as a gift, hence their tagline, “because muffins taste better than flowers.” But still, dude: Muffins? See for yourself if the idea has merit at 1-800-Muffins.com. As for us, we’ll still get ours at the local Dunky D’s. We have a coupon!

'RING AROUND THE . . .' WHAT?!

Man, they sure do seek us out. We got a pitch today from a U.K. company pushing the “Blakoe Ring.” As this is a family newsletter, we have to explain this very gingerly: The Blakoe Ring doesn’t go on a man’s finger, if you get our drift. It’s designed to help treat E.D., as they helpfully note in their release: “The Blakoe Ring uses a steady electro magnetic current, which is undetectable to the wearer, to assist a full (Ed.: Paraphrasing here; ummm, “liftoff”?) on arousal, for several hours after its removal.” Sounds impressive, no? For the $129.99 they’re asking, it should be. Full details are at Blakoe.com, and be sure to check the FAQ list. It has WAAAAY more info than you need. Sheesh.

SOMETHING ELSE WE DON'T WANT

With Halloween fast approaching and Christmas not far behind, we assume these folks are sensing a marketing opportunity, but it made us a tad discombobulated. An online retailer called BlueLips.com has one of the weirder inventories we’ve seen lately; they seem obsessed with death and the Dark Side. Hey, whatever floats your boat, but they’re now pushing a DVD, called An Uncensored Look At The Embalming Process. (Wait, WHAT?!) Why anyone would wanna see that is beyond us, but we will admit to spending too much time scrolling around their site, looking at “coffin keychains,” “Disaster Videos,” and “Gothic T-Shirts and Skull-Caps.” Because nothing says “Happy Holidays!” like a “Death Rider T-Shirt.” Enter at your own risk.

WHEN LIFE HANDS YOU LEMONS . . .

The good folks of Sioux City, Iowa, have beseeched the FAA for years to change the abbreviation designation of their airport. (With thanks to our older brother who spends too much time waiting for his “Daily Insider” to arrive each day.) You know how Los Angeles is LAX? And New York’s Kennedy Airport is JFK? Sioux City’s is “SUX.” Seriously. In the vein of “If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em,” one smart marketer is now selling branded “Fly SUX” gear, including caps, T-shirts, baby sweaters and more. A sample is available via a link off the airport’s site, FlySUX.com. Click on it, and note the other Sioux City landmarks listed on the left. We’ll bet the “Catholic Diocese of Sioux City” is real pleased to be there. Heh.

MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM CARRIE NATION

A Canadian company called Family Games is offering an odd choice for a holiday gift for those who give adult beverages. According to their pitch, “The ‘Don’t Break the Bottle’ puzzle consists of a wood or wire locking gizmo that wraps around the bottle. It gets secured in place, instructions are included, and the gift recipient has to solve the puzzle in order to enjoy the drink.” The contraption can be seen Here, but we think it was invented by a nondrinker. Most of the alcoholics we know would take a hammer to it immediately. If you have an Ebenezer streak in you, you can see their complete line at Family Games America.com. Click on puzzles. And don’t get us one; we’ll break it open.

YOU ARE WHAT YOU DRINK

For those who feel the need to incorporate some holiness into every aspect of their life, there’s now a beverage just for them. SpiritualH2O “was born as bottled water with spirituality, positive thinking, prayers, God, and beliefs. You choose which bottle fits your needs and your feelings, read the prayer, drink the water, believe in God—and in yourself—and the sky’s the limit.” (Which, we’ll admit, is asking a LOT of a bottle of water.) And here’s another problem: “All products feature beautifully rendered artistic labels that depict full-color images of [a] holy person or symbols,” they state, So, what are you supposed to do when the bottle’s empty? You’re not allowed to just throw away holy pictures, are you? It’s a conundrum worthy of Solomon.