Short Takes

REAL BOOKS FOR REAL PEOPLE

A book makes a nice Christmas gift, and if that’s what you’re looking for, stay away from Knock Knock Books. They have a lineup of titles the likes of which we’ve never seen, such as “The Complete Manual of Things That Might Kill You,” “How to Have an Ill-Behaved Dog,” and “How To Traumatize Your Children.” Not exactly all warm and fuzzy, but, uhh, different, to say the least.

ANOTHER MILLION-DOLLAR IDEA

The trainers at the gym are always pushing people to “go the distance” or add “just one more rep” to their sets. (To which we usually reply, “Stop Yellin’!”) That’s all well and good, but we think Coach Lou Kaczenski has a better idea. He’s out with a new book titled The Couch Workouts, which, he touts in a release, “helps people get in shape from the convenience of their own couch.” Even better, he claims, “A person can do total body workouts right on their couch in one hour a week.” We have no idea if the program works, but the title alone will probably assure it’s a bestseller this holiday season. Details are available at self-publishing site Lulu.com.

HEY, MR. DISASTER; PIPE DOWN

We hear from a lot of folks who look at current events and then craft their marketing pitches accordingly. It’s not a bad idea, to add some relevance and timeliness to your efforts. But this one really pushes the envelope; see if you can guess what they’re touting based on this lead from their release: “With the massive toy recalls, the writers strike taking our favorite TV shows into reruns, and threats on shopping malls, families are faced with even more challenges this holiday season. Now more than ever, new traditions need to be made that strengthen family values and create more one-on-one time with each other. Families desperately need to bring reading time back into homes.” Yeah, that’s right, Books! Seems a little heavy-handed, no? Maybe it’s just us and our snarky cynicism. (Oh, ya think?) Those who disagree can find what they’re looking for at Virtual Word Publishing.com. “Here, I got you a BOOK for Christmas.” “Wow. Thanks.”

UPCOMING BESTSELLER

They say if you build a better mousetrap, the world will beat a path to your door. So what’ll happen if you come out with a diet book that has CHOCOLATE as a main ingredient? Cardiologist Dr. Robert Schneider and his wife Joyce are about to find out, via their new tome, The Cardiologist's Wife's CHOCOLATE TOO! Diet: No Sugar, No Fat & Luscious. Self-published by a company called Book Surge.com, the book touts the use of unsweetened cocoa in recipes, which they claim “can hyper-boost your antioxidant levels; slow the aging process; prevent viruses, like the flu or common cold; lower your blood pressure; help prevent cancer, strokes, heart attacks, and complications of diabetes; and produce that good feeling from endorphins that relaxes the artery walls and increases a sense of optimism like a mood-altering drug. All of which helps you stick to a diet and lose the weight, which overwhelmingly causes these health problems.” Wow. We need a Hershey Bar right now!

TIMING IS, INDEED, EVERYTHING

Someone needs to have a word with these guys’ PR agent. The pitch is for a new book, Gravitational Marketing: The Science Of Attracting Customers. In the release, they want to tell you “What Illusionist David Copperfield Knows About Marketing Can Conjure Cash In A Flash And Make Debt Disappear.” Cool! Except, uhhh, Copperfield is currently in the news, and not in a good way. Anybody seen CNN today? We have no feelings one way or the other about the man’s legal problems, but if you’re gonna use his name and, uhh, “illusion skills” to shill your tome, you might wanna wait a week or two until things cool down, yah? We’re just sayin’. For those less judgmental than us, take a look at their offering at Gravitational Marketing.com/magic

A MUST-READ!

OK, not really, but we imagine there has to be a market out there for this book, or why else would they publish it? Just in time for the holidays comes In Your Purse: Archeology of the American Handbag, which looks at “the many mysteries surrounding the reasons for carrying and the contents of one's handbag.” (Visual: Tilting one’s head to the side and looking quizzically, like a dog hearing a high-pitched whistle.) Yeah, we don’t get it either, but they have a Web site at In Your Purse.com and everything, so it must be legit. Best of all was this quote from the author on some surprising findings in the purses she pawed through: “I expected the cell phones, wallets and lipsticks, but I was surprised by things like weapons, letters from prison, sexual aids and a summons for prostitution.” Sweet!

SEX AND THE SINGLE ACTUARY

Got pitched a new book today, and didn’t even know there was a market for it. The tome’s titled Sex IQ Tests for Increasing Sexual Intelligence and Becoming a Sex Expert. It comes via one of those self-publishing sites, and promises to raise your sexual intelligence through a series of 50 multiple choice sex quizzes. Maybe it works, maybe it doesn’t, but the author’s C.V. is a tad odd. He writes about himself : “[Author] is a Fellow of the Society of Actuaries, an Enrolled Actuary, and a Member of the American Academy of Actuaries. He serves as a Vice-Chair on the Society of Actuaries’ Education and Examination Committee . . .” So, the “Sex” part of his knowledge is, ummm “hands on”? Just wondering.

THIS'LL DRIVE YOU TO DRINK

There’s one acronym that strikes fear into the hearts of all men: “PMS.” Now some savvy women have taken a biological condition and built a whole Web site around an effort to market their book, PMS: The Owner’s Manual. Why? They sum it up succinctly: “While PMS remains a subject most choose to avoid discussing openly, the reality is that the affliction affects nearly every person on Earth in one way or another. Even if one is not predisposed to PMS symptoms, chances are good that that person regularly interacts with someone who is, including sisters, relatives, friends and co-workers.” Amen to that sister. And the site is a compendium of observations and caveats for those stupid enough to ask, “Whatsa matta, you got your period?” Duck and cover, brother. Full details and wise guidance can be found at PMS Central.com.

LIMITED MARKET

We got a release from a new author today, which we usually ignore, but this one was too good to pass up. It read: “James Kaleda publishes a new book which aims to increase the variety of breakfast entrees available in homes around the world. Pancake is an easy-to-follow cookbook with fifty two recipes, including more than ten recipes which can be made using popular pre-made pancake mixes.” Seriously dude: A PANCAKE cookbook?! And we really liked his bio signoff at the end: “James Kaleda has over 10 years experience in the culinary arts. He graduated “best in class” from Warren County Vo-Tec.” That’s all it takes to get published? Oh, we are SO going to write a “Short Takes” book.

'LISTEN TO ME'

If you’re a parent, you’ve said that more than once in your life, and Hal Runkel wants you to know you’re wrong. He’s pushing a new parenting book, ScreamFree Parenting: The Revolutionary Approach to Raising Your Kids by Keeping Your Cool. In it, he postulates that '…parenting is not about kids; it's about parents.' He also promises to 'show the reader how to calm down and operate with optimism and confidence, rather than fear. This book is guaranteed to transform the parenting experience.' Quite a boast; see for yourself if it’s true at ScreamFree.com. But we have an even better method; having been raised in an Irish-Catholic household, we use the old tried-and-true 'Massive Guilt Trip.' Works every time.