Short Takes

WE HAVE A NEW WINNER

We’re known around here for whining (loudly) about companies that push the envelope on marketing to specific events or holidays waaaay too early. Faithful readers told us of some craft shops and discount pharmacies that had Christmas stuff on display this past JULY! Man, that rankles. But today we got what might well be the earliest push ever. According to the American Camping Association, “School has begun, fall is in the air, and summer is rarely (Ed.: “Rarely”? Don’t you mean “barely”?) past us, but it's not too early for parents and families to begin planning for next summer's camp season.” Yes, the trade association wants you to sign up Ashley or Jared NOW, before they get shut out. And then there’s this suggestion: “What about camp as a gift for the holidays? For a unique gift this year that doesn't involve boxes or batteries, friends and family can consider giving the Gift of Camp.” Yeah, ‘cause we often give $10,000 gifts to the Little Ingrates. Fat chance.

CALL IT LIKE YOU SEE IT

A new Web site launches today that will probably be wildly successful, if only because of truth in advertising. The site is called Redneck Jobs.com, and pretty much offers what you’d think it would: blue-collar jobs for those with handy skills. “Before you laugh and think it’s a joke, think again,” suggests the site’s founder. “Employment in the ‘redneck-sector’ has perhaps the single largest market share of any niche. Redneck jobs make up the bulk of small businesses throughout the South and Southwest.” Keeping it even simpler, the site uses terms like “Find A Redneck,” calls employers “Redneck Bosses” and replaces traditional resumes with “Work Experiences.” They’re gonna make a fortune.

WHY WE'LL NEVER MOVE TO THE COUNTRY

There are folks marketing things out there that us city-slickers never even conceived of, but we imagine they’re making a good buck doing so. Today’s Exhibit “A” comes from a company called Predator Pee.com, and they sell exactly what their name implies: The urine of predatory animals, to keep pests away. We found this out by a release they sent, telling us how a liberal application of Bobcat Pee around the house will keep house mice and field mice from trying to move inside as the weather gets colder. “We put the predator pee in the bottle so you can use it to send a message to the mice,” they said. “One of the most voracious predators of mice is the bobcat; believe-it-or-not, you can buy real bobcat pee from predatorpee.com.” We believe it; but more importantly, we don’t wanna know how they collect it. That’s something we’ve yet to see on Discovery’s “World’s Dirtiest Jobs.”

SPEAKING OF NAPKINS . . .

(Funny how these things arrive in groups) A guerrilla marketing company called JI Worldwide wants everyone to know they’ve come out with a “High Definition napkin-based advertising program that connects companies directly with consumers in a casual and memorable manner to drive both brand awareness and results.” Translation: They’re printing better ads on cocktail napkins. Not a bad way to reach folks who are imbibing and in a good mood, anyway. The only drawback is when someone feels a sneeze coming on: What do you think they’ll reach for first? (Ew.) Still, they have a nice lineup of product available for viewing at HDNapkin.com. Gesundheit!

HERE'S WHY YOU DIDN'T GET THAT GIG

Our good friends at office staffing firm Accountemps don’t get much attention these days. Let’s face it; the only time folks go to Accountemps.com is when they’re looking for a new job or some other work-related issue. So in order to stay on peoples’ radars (and catch the attention of snarky writers like us) Accountemps occasionally commissions a survey about The World of Work. They have a new one out today, this one listing some memorable reasons why candidates told prospective employers they should get the job. The reasons include: "One candidate said that we should hire him because he would be a great addition to our softball team;" "One job seeker said he should get the job because he had already applied three times and felt that it was now his turn;" and "One individual said we had nice benefits, which was good because he was going to need to take a lot of leave in the next year." The full listing can be found at the bottom of the page at Accountemps.com. Personal note to that guy who interviewed with us last year: Dude, everything you had on was wrinkled. Buy an iron!

WHEN LIFE HANDS YOU LEMONS

Having a loved one cheat on you can be heartbreaking, but one woman has turned her loss into a business that she’s now marketing online. The site is called Cheat Peeps, and it offers investigative services if you suspect some hanky panky. A “Basic Evidence File” goes for $396.95, but if you want aALL the goods, it’ll set you back $1296.95 (And we have NO idea how they settled on those amounts. Odd.) Or, you could go the old tried ‘n true method: Ask the sleazeball, “Hey, you cheating on me? You want out?” You might not like the answer, but you’ll save some coin … and aggravation.

WONDER IF YOU HAVE TO 'BURP' IT?

We have to admit that “burial vaults” are not something we ordinarily think about, but a push from the Goria Corporation (Ed.: Odd name for folks who make ‘burial vaults’, doncha think?) gave us pause today. They’re touting such vaults (For the uninitiated, the casket goes in the vault), but theirs are made of plastic, not concrete. The cite the products’ durability and lighter weight, and have quite a Web site at Goria Corp.com, complete with pictures and testimonials. Maybe it’s the inherent creepiness that got to us, but those things remind us of Tupperware containers. And the “designer colors” pictured Here didn’t help matters any. Brrrr!

'TERRORIST SQUIRRELS' MAKE SALES PITCH

In a competitive market, you have to use what you’ve got. That may be why a notification company called LockDown Alert.com is referencing those scary squirrels, as well as a Topless Woman with a Gun, in ad materials pushing its service. The company says it will immediately notify parents when a child’s school is locked down for any reason. In order to get possible clients interested, the company has compiled a list of recent “Bizarre Lockdowns” it reported on. They’re available at the company’s Web site; click on “Lockdown History & Searches.” Hey, it worked; it got us scrolling through the list. We especially liked the one titled, “Student Reports Seeing Batman on Campus.”

HOW DESPERATE ARE YOU?

We’re aware it’s tough out there to get noticed, especially for young bands. But one marketing effort that crossed our desk today also seems to have crossed the boundaries of good taste. And we quote: “Just as the band ‘Dead Stays Alive’ is releasing the music video ‘Peace Dog 2007’, one of the band mates, Tony Allen, is being released from rehab in Sundance, Utah, at the Cirque Lodge, where it's been reported in the press that he has been keeping company with the likes of Lindsay Lohan, as pictures of the two have been surfacing all over the Internet.” Hoo-boy. Does anyone else remember when it used to be embarrassing to be in rehab?

IN OTHER BRITISH 'DELIVERY' HAPPENINGS

Believing in the concept of “Well, we were going there anyway,” Dairy Crest, the U.K.’s largest doorstep milk home delivery distributor, will start marketing a waterless car-wash product called Miracle Drywash. The kit, which will be offered to home-milk recipients, features a bottle of the product and two fiber cloths. It’s designed for those who don’t want to use or waste water washing their vehicle. Question: If the customers have a vehicle to wash, wouldn’t they simply use that vehicle to go pick up their milk at the store? Also, they still have milkmen in Britain? Who knew? More details on Miracle Drywash can be found at their Web site. There’s no info there about milk delivery, though. Pity.