Short Takes

WHY BUY WHEN YOU CAN GROW YOUR OWN?

In a nation with a growing obesity problem, we find it hard to believe there’s a market for a fanny-enhancer, but it seems LoveFifi.com believes there is. That’s why the company is pushing the “Bitty Bum Padded Hipster Panty” for those with a flat derriere. “The Bitty Bum Padded Hipster Panty will get your backside noticed! LoveFifi's Bitty Bum Padded Hipster Panty(R) is the best-selling bum enhancer for those low-rise jeans. And, since you buy them online, no one has to know you've had a little help!” the company crowed in a release, exclamation points and all. You can see it for yourself at LoveFifi.com, but be careful: The opening page we hit showed a rather buxom blonde cupping her naked self as she models a corset. We discovered it while doing RESEARCH, boss. We were shocked, SHOCKED!

ALL WRAPPED UP

We thought these went out with spats, clean fightin’ and nickel beers, but apparently we’re mistaken. Timeless Trends Corsets is pushing the cinching garments as a new fashion statement, citing such media stars as Gwen Stefani, Christina Aguilera, Victoria Beckham, Jessica Simpson and Carmen Electra as fans of the bustiers. Far be it from us to pass judgment (as if) on what folks wear, but they look really uncomfortable. And, to be honest, the woman modeling one on the opening page at Timeless Trends.com kinda scares us a bit, what with that riding crop and all. Different strokes for different folks, but if you want a smaller waist, why not try some situps?

SPEAKING OF EXPENSIVE SLEEP...

A Connecticut company wants us to know they’re now marketing a hand-painted silk apparel sleep line. The stuff looks nice, and the flowery copy makes an interesting appeal: 'The exquisite line brings a new definition to nightwear by merging the beauty of hand painted art with the luxury of pure silk. The product range fills the high fashion apparel niche in the textile industry, while promoting values of cultural preservation and social responsibility.' You can find out more and see their line at Texere Silk.com. But we especially like the earnestness of this copy: 'The current paradigm of globalization has too many dimensions that are clearly harmful to human society. Human and ecological mistreatment, unfair trade practices, and product standardization driven by commercial imperatives of consumerism are but a few examples. Texere Silk intends to be a positive driver of globalization, promoting economic activity that does justice to our long-term societal interests.' Uuuuh, OK. (Wha’d he say?) By the way, just as an example, one woman’s silk nightgown goes for $338! For sleeping, we think we’ll stick with boxer shorts and whatever free promotional t-shirts we find lying around the office.

DIVINE INSPIRATION?

Clothes with a religious undertone are always a risky proposition. Where do you draw the line between fashion and offending? That’s the challenge facing O2God.com, where they make a line of tops that subliminally ask the question, “What do you owe to God?” (Or not so subliminally; each shirt is emblazoned with the logo “O2God.” Subtle.) With prices starting at $40, we wish them luck, but here’s some free advice. Dude, tight T-shirts in polyester? What’re you trying to do, give folks a preview of hell? Go with the breathable cotton.

'OH, BOY, THIS IS GREAT!'

Dress codes are being implemented in schools nationwide to discourage what some administrators feel might be inappropriate behavior. So, naturally, someone’s trying to get around the ban and cash in at the same time. Dress Code Violator is a company that manufactures T-shirts with seemingly harmless sayings on them. But the secret is that the shirt’s message is really an anagram, “a word phrase or sentence formed from another by rearranging its letters.” So a young lady wearing a shirt that reads “Grim Tidy Liar” would wait until the principal passes and then flip up the bottom of the shirt, showing anyone who needs to know that the saying really means “I’m a dirty girl.” Other choice shirts and their hidden messages are: “Enter Win a Tooth” translates to “Attention Whore,” and “Messy bait” really means “Bite My Ass.” Ah, lovely; The Future of America. See more for yourself at DCV Wear.com.

BE COOL. EVEN IF YOU DON’T LOOK COOL

Leave it to the Japanese to come up with air-conditioned clothing. That’s the new line of shirts and jackets made by a company called “Kuchou-fuku,” which literally means “air-conditioned clothes.” (OK, so they saved a few bucks on naming research.) According to a story in several media today (You can see one version—complete with sweet pictures—from the U.K.’s Daily Mail Here, the clothes have built-in battery-powered fans that “circulate air across the wearer's skin, evaporating perspiration and keeping temperatures down.” Sounds good, except the market will be limited to the uncool dorks like ourselves who value comfort over style. Even the company’s CEO admitted, “My daughter won't wear them because the shape is no good.” Rotten kids.

POSSIBLE FASHION FAUX PAS

Seeing opportunity on the Web, Australian clothing line Male Order Only has sent word that their new offerings are up and ready for purchase. As we favor t-shirts, jeans and sneakers, we know we’re not their target audience, but we fear they may have also badly miscalculated the American male shopper in general. From a press pitch: “[Their] first collection, set to launch at LA Fashion Week in October, [features] headscarves (from $49), Arabic print tees (from $99) and Kaftans ($130) ….” Umm, maybe we’re a tad isolated, but none of the guys we know are sportin’ headscarves, Arabic T’s or Kaftans. But here’s a free hint. Don’t wear their stuff to the airport. We’re just sayin’….

MISSING THE MARKET

Our friends over at Motherhood Maternity, the online site for everything preggers, have a new offering: the Secret Fit Belly. And apparently they’re pretty jazzed about it, as the following exclamation-laden quote from their release demonstrates: “The Secret Fit Belly panel molds to the shape and contour of her growing belly and offers expectant moms a new and exciting way to cover her baby bump; No more creases! Secret Fit Belly bottoms will stay in place all day long! That pesky belly button won't poke out!” OK, noted, but we can’t help but point out that they’re missing a HUGE chunk of the market: Guys with beer bellies! Seriously, take a look at the photo HERE, and imagine a guy smoothing up his beer gut with one of these. Why, he could display it like a trophy! (How come we have to think of EVERYTHING?)

DO YOU REALLY WANT TO ADVERTISE THAT?

We know some folks who really like beer, and Beer Gear might well appeal to them. It’s a Web site that sells shirts, caps and beer cozies for, well, beer drinkers, which is all well and good. But is that really the smartest thing to wear when you’ve been out pounding down a few? Further, their Web site at Beer Gear USA.com also invites pictures of customers shown wearing their gear while imbibing. Fun now, but what happens a few years hence when you grow up and those pix are still floating around the Web, hmmmm? OK, we’re climbing down off our soapbox now. (When did we get so OLD?)

A TOUGH SELL

Value Village is an international chain of thrift stores selling what might be charitably called “pre-worn” clothing, and they’re launching a promotion to reach that difficult demographic, teenagers. The company is looking for six “Re-Designers,” and describes them thusly: “Ideal applicants will be frequent thrift shoppers and in tune to the emerging secondhand scene. Whether it's an eye for spotting vintage, a knack for mixing and matching, the talent to reconstruct new things from old, or simply adding a do-it-yourself touch to personal style, Savers/Value Village is calling all teens with a flair for fashion.” We asked our resident teen princess what she thought of the idea; She promptly pronounced it “Social Suicide.” Wow; THAT was a bit harsh. For those a little more open-minded, details are at Value Village.com.