Short Takes

A Cuffs Link

Oh, the things you find in the Valentine’s Day section of the local Rite Aid while waiting for a prescription refill... Burning questions:
* When did Rite-Aid break into the “naughty” novelties business?

* And when, exactly, did bondage become all the rage among the preschooler set?

ELVIS. OR THE NEXT BEST THING

The Ideal Glass Gallery in New York’s East Village describes itself as “a new interdisciplinary industrial space … created for the development and presentation of unusual works.” So, in order to draw a little attention to itself, the shop has seized on the 30th anniversary of Elvis’s passing to promote a new show. “The opening evening for press and invited guests, will include performances by musicians interpreting the King's music (including the Kosher King himself, Jelvis, The Jewish Elvis) along with a marathon screening of Elvis films, fashion show, a midnight vigil and Elvis-inspired food. The following three-day Elvis gallery installation (August 17-19, Noon to 7:00 p.m.) will unite visual artists and performers from as many disciplinary and cultural backgrounds as possible with generations of Elvis fans in the interest of promoting world peace through the Gospel of the King of Rock n' Roll.” JELVIS?! Oh, we are SO going to be there. Details are at Ideal Glass.org.

EXTRA CHALK REQUIRED

Even though the show is over, folks who appeared on The Sopranos are still hoping to cash in. The latest entry comes from Joseph R. Gannascoli, better known on the show as “Gay Vito,” who met an untimely end by being beaten to death with a pool cue. So naturally, he’s teamed up with Rockwell Billiards to shill his own branded billiard stick, which he calls "A Cue to Die For" following the theme from his cookbook novel A Meal to Die For. You can see the custom cue on Rockwell’s Web site, but we’re not sure why anyone would really want one. On the program, after his beating death, the killers, ummm, “placed” the stick in an unlikely spot. We don’t even like thinking about that stick, let alone wanting to touch it. Ew! Hardier souls than us can order the $99 signed cue Here.

YOUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK

There’s an opportunity in Washington for any marketer who likes an especially difficult challenge: Branding the war. Bloomberg.com is reporting that the Pentagon contracted with the Rand Corp. for ideas on how to better “sell” the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan to the American people. Rand came back with a study titled “Enlisting Madison Avenue: The Marketing Approach to Earning Popular Support in Theaters of Operation,” an overview of what the government is doing wrong. The study, says Bloomberg, “…likened commercial marketing and the military's efforts to influence non-combatants, saying both are aimed at changing behavior. ‘Brands such as Starbucks and Apple have captured the hearts and minds of consumers and have reaped financial windfalls in return,’” the study concluded. (Visual: Massive eye-roll, accompanied by deep sigh.) Not surprisingly, the story concluded, “The Pentagon didn't immediately return a telephone call seeking comment.”

YOUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK

There’s an opportunity in Washington for any marketer who likes an especially difficult challenge: Branding the war. Bloomberg.com is reporting that the Pentagon contracted with the Rand Corp. for ideas on how to better “sell” the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan to the American people. Rand came back with a study titled “Enlisting Madison Avenue: The Marketing Approach to Earning Popular Support in Theaters of Operation,” an overview of what the government is doing wrong. The study, says Bloomberg, “…likened commercial marketing and the military's efforts to influence non-combatants, saying both are aimed at changing behavior. ‘Brands such as Starbucks and Apple have captured the hearts and minds of consumers and have reaped financial windfalls in return,’” the study concluded. (Visual: Massive eye-roll, accompanied by deep sigh.) Not surprisingly, the story concluded, “The Pentagon didn't immediately return a telephone call seeking comment.”

HARRY POTTER AND THE BIG BANK ACCOUNT

The phenomenon (and marketing machine) known as the Harry Potter series of books and movies continues to roll on, marked next week by the film release of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. So it seems wise and fitting that a North Carolina company called Replica Dungeon takes advantage of the event by offering collectible movie replicas from the film. At their special Web site they offer a number of must-have items (for fans, anyway), including “magic wands” used by Harry, Hermione, Ron, Professor Dumbledore and others. But at a starting price of forty bucks (For, let’s face it, a piece of wood), you’d think they’d have SOME magical power besides making J.K. Rowling richer. Jealous? Who, us?

NO, WE'RE NOT JEALOUS

For those in the Short Takes audience who may be “especially popular” (And yes, those are the infamous “air quotes”), we draw your attention today to My Black Book.org, an online service that markets itself as allowing members to keep track of who they slept with and, uhhh, how it was. With an apparently straight face, they say in a release, “The mission of MyBlackBook is to provide its members with a place to store their sexual history, partners, and experiences in a safe, secure and confidential place. MyBlackBook allows members to manage, update and look up their entries in an easy way—giving them the opportunity and ability to assess their sexual behavior and activity and, if desired, to make changes in their life.” (Visual: Massive, MASSIVE eye-roll) A visit to the site is worth it if only to view the “Statistics” window and see what they deem worth tracking. And we have a more pressing question: Who’s getting so much action these days that they need a spreadsheet?

REASONS TO BE THANKFUL, PART 1

By now most everyone’s heard about The Secret, the phenomenon whereby basically some folks believe you can get what you want by simply asking the cosmos for it. (Doesn’t seem to work; we’ve yet to get the winning Lotto numbers.) Now a clever entrepreneur has come up with a way to assuage the guilt of those who feel greedy by asking for things; all they need do is buy “The Gratitude Kit.” The kit includes among other things: “24 Gratitude quotes from Buddha to Tony Robbins (Tony ROBBINS?!) to foster inspiration throughout the day; A Gratitude Journal with Pencil and a Gratitude Bookmark; A Gratitude Wrist Band (aka “Rubberband”), to remind you to give daily gratitude; and A Gratitude Rock—Made with love from the Pacific Northwest to display on your desk.” (Hoo-boy.) And we just thought of something we’re grateful for; The fact that we don’t have to buy stuff like this to be thankful for what we have. You unsure heathens can find out for yourself by going to The Gratitude Kit.com.

GOT WEEKEND PLANS? CHANGE 'EM

We don’t know how we missed this earlier, but this Saturday will see the 8th annual “Vinegar Day” in Roslyn, S.D., a day dedicated to "Soured Powered Fun for the Whole Family." (Their words, not ours.) According to the promoter (Who, not so coincidentally, wrote The Healing Powers of Vinegar, Revised and Updated), the day will be “packed with vinegar-related fun and festivities.” And, he adds, vinegar’s “proven home cures may help you ward off summer woes such as insect and bee stings, sunburn, swimmers ear, toenail fungus, and weight gain which can lead to high blood pressure, out of whack cholesterol, and diabetes 2.” OK, we get it, but c’mon; it’s Vinegar!

HELP REHABILITATE A CRIMINAL

While jailbird Paris Hilton stews in a cell (or hospital ward; it’s tough to keep track), business opportunities appear to be piling up for the self-branded socialite. Today’s modeling and spokesperson offer comes from Orlando-based clothing company Zarmina, which makes “customized silk designer wear.” And the company isn’t making the offer just to make money; Oh, no. “Paris' life has been overexposed physically, socially, and emotionally for several years,” said a company rep in a release. “Zarmina's modest and elegant outfits would allow her to physically and symbolically rehabilitate her image. All the while Paris would be doing what she loves to do: model exotic designer clothing.” Wow; talk about a win-win for everyone. And the inherent altruism is especially touching.