Short Takes

LAST MINUTE GIFTS

Still need something for that “hard to shop-for” recipient on your list? Vienna Beef is marketing a Hot Dog Stand in a Box for holiday gift giving. For $74.95 you get Genuine hot dog stand décor, which includes: “Vienna Beef's famous Navy Pier poster; A personalized mini-hot dog stand sign custom printed with the name of the "Chicago-Style" chef/gift recipient's name; One set of traditional Chicago-style condiments, including yellow mustard, sport peppers, green relish and celery salt; An authentic Vienna Beef baseball cap and Vienna Beef apron; 16 paper hats for hot dog stand ‘staff and customers’16 hot dogs and 16 poppy seed buns.” Wow. Note to family: We don’t want this for Christmas. Just sayin’….

POKING 'EM WITH A STICK

By now everyone’s heard how a certain English schoolteacher got in a peck of trouble overseas. Seems she decided to have her class in Muslim nation Sudan name a stuffed bear “Muhammed.” While she claims no ill-will, some hardliners demanded she be caned and beaten for the offense. She was convicted of a crime, but the nation’s sovereign pardoned her and sent her back to Blighty. Now an American is expressing his displeasure with the whole affair by marketing a stuffed bear bearing the logo, “My name is Muhammed.” (Ouch.) It was supposed to be available for only $9.95 at Teddy Bear Muhammed.com, but it looks like the site's been taken down already. You just KNOW this isn’t going to end well.

SPEAKING OF REGRETS . . .

Can you remember the best gift you got last Christmas? Can you remember any gift? According to “experience-gift-site” Excitations.com, some 41% of people can’t recall one, either. Which makes sense: Excitations is in the business of providing “experiential” gifts where the recipient has to actually go out and DO something. Such as? “Skydiving, gourmet cooking lessons, whitewater rafting, wolf watching, etc.,” they say in a release. Not a bad idea, but you should REALLY know your recipient. If someone gave us a skydiving trip as a gift, we’d have to wonder what they were really thinking. “Here, this is for you. Go up 10,000 feet and jump out of a perfectly good airplane.” Uhh, gee, thanks?

HOLIDAY GIFTS FROM WAY BACK WHEN

The clock is ticking, and if you’re stuck for a gift for that special someone, head over to Liquidation Connect.com. They’re marketing a line of gifts and gadgets like you’ve never seen, including home popcorn makers, hot dog vending carts and cotton candy machines. Sure, they’re all impractical, big and a tad pricey, but that’s half the fun. Wouldn’t you like your own cotton candy machine for movie night? The site features a myriad number of products (We may well have to pick up one of those old-timey retro black desk phones) designed for all tastes and budgets. When’s the last time you saw someone selling a Sno-Cone machine? Their full line is at Liquidation Connect.com.

WE WANT TO BE THIS RICH

All the watches we have in the drawer run on a battery, which has to be replaced every two years. So it was with some surprise we found that you can actually buy a special box to put your self-winding watch in, that will wind it for you on a regular basis. (And we will resist the urge to mock on those who have such devices because it would come off as envy. And rightly so.) A Montana company called ValetStand.com offers Avanti Watch Winders, which are described as follows: “Empowered with programmable microprocessors, Avanti winders can be used to control turns per day adjusted with the requirements of each individual watch. The mechanism allows rotation in both directions and the winder remains soundless during operation.” Even though we have no automatic watches, we want one of these anyway. Just to watch it give our watches a ride.

HERE THEY COME AGAIN

We only write about these folks once a year, so we hope they have a successful season. King Size Bows.com makes those ubiquitous Red Bows you see at auto dealerships and other high-end outlets. We admit they make a nice impression, but their marketing pitch left us feeling a tad bereft: “Place a King Size Bow on a car, house, airplane or yacht for a special presentation;” “'Wrap up' a big screen TV, golf cart, or pool table;” “Decorate that little 'blue box' from Tiffany's with a gigantic King Size Bow,” they encourage. Listen, if we’re gifting someone with a “car, house, airplane or yacht” this holiday season, the gift will have to stand on its own, ya know? Sheesh.

AND WE HIT THE TRIFECTA

A California entrepreneur is pushing his gift idea to make driving less onerous, what with packed highways, road rage and soaring gas prices. Meet the “AutoVase.” It’s just what you think it is: A vase for flowers that clips to your air vent on the dashboard. The idea is that a fresh flower will make you … well, we don’t know what exactly, but it’s a nice thought. Still, a view of the thing at AutoVase.com makes it look like a shortened test-tube with a clip on it. And at $7.99 each, we think we’ll stick with that pine-scented, tree-shaped hanging piece of cardboard we can get at the car wash. Mmmmm: Fresh Pine.

SAW THIS ONE COMING

With parents everywhere concerned about lead-tainted toys this holiday season, savvy marketers are starting to push their “green” side. Modern Sage.com, an online site billing itself as “the women’s natural health online community that offers sage advice for practical living,” is proudly touting its section of natural toys for children. But even they have to acknowledge the worries hanging in the air. At the very end of their kids’ gift guide section, they’ve got a “First Alert Lead Test Kit” available for $11.55. And the elf in us sighs deeply…

GOTTA LOVE A SENSE OF HUMOR

Everyone loves candles around the holidays, except for firemen, because they know firsthand what an unattended flame can do in seconds. So we were happy to hear from a Nebraska company called “Good Stinks,” which makes what it calls “flameless candles.” Their lineup includes battery-operated and electric wax melts that give off a glow and scent without the flame. Yeah, they’re a little more costly than candles with a wick, but how can you put a price on safety? And we really like their extensive list of scents, including “Butt Naked” and “Monkey Farts,” which they’re quick to assure us smell like neither. See the whole lineup for yourself at Good Stinks.com.

ANNIE GET YER GUN

We don’t know all that much about firearms and gun enthusiasts, so we’ll have to take these folks’ word for it: Our good friends at Gander Mountain stores are marketing a new line of rifles and pistols for females . . . in pink. “Women are a growing segment of the outdoors customer, and we want to be able to offer them the products they want, in the colors they like,” said a company rep. Gander notes they’re seeing more and more girls taking up the sport, and are targeting (Heh.) their marketing efforts at them. To see the pretty (deadly) offerings, go to Gander Mountain.com, and click on “Current Ads.” A 20-gauge shotgun (in pink) goes for $370 (and comes with a matching pink hat. Woo-hoo.) and a 9mm semi-automatic pistol (also in pink) is a healthy $429.99.