Short Takes

HELP WANTED: DISNEY SEEKS CMO

Calm down; it’s not what you think. As part of its ongoing “Year of a Million Dreams” promo, the entertainment giant is looking for a Chief Magic Officer. According to a release, “The ideal CMO candidate must be happy, never grumpy; able to easily befriend dwarfs, dogs, monsters and mice; have good manners—but also be able to pillage and plunder with pirates when necessary. Also required: pockets full of pixie dust, an aversion to poisonous apples, an interest in oversized teacups and flying elephants and, most importantly, a belief in all things magical.” Sweet! We could do that. And yes, it’s a real contest. Interested Magicians can apply at Dream CMO.com

DON'T EAT WITH YOUR FINGERS

We don’t know too many folks who are paralyzed with fear over not knowing how to eat out properly, but celebrity chef Paul Dreher thinks there are enough of them out there to warrant an instructional video on just that issue. Dreher’s work, Table Manners and Table Etiquette, is being sold via Amazon.com, in an effort, as he puts it to” bring proper back.” (He’s allegedly been called the “Justin Timberlake of the Dining Room,” his release says. Ah. That explains it.) “You'd be surprised how many people lack the confidence to do business over a meal,” Dreher says. “Millions of dollars in deals don't happen because people avoid the business lunch for fear of using the wrong fork.” But it looks like they’re getting by so far without his help, anyway. As of today, his DVD was ranked 36,493 on Amazon. Pass the toothpicks!

ANGER MANAGEMENT

Everyone (but especially men) know the rest of the saying that begins, “Hell hath no fury….” Now a couple of women friends have taken that notion to the next logical step with their new Web site, Should I Divorce Him.com. As expected, the site contains what they admit is “a scathing range of content” including “The Hag Rags — First person accounts from women living the dream … or the nightmare”; “Bitchin' Boards,” otherwise known as Complaint Central; and the “Hall of Shame,” where “Women … are encouraged to submit the photo evidence of those downright dirty deeds.” The site also has a marketing side; advertisers so far include Muleos Straps for backless shoes, and a book with advice to women titled, Do I Need To Slap You? Curiously, both products are by the same woman. Hmmmm; we see a pattern here.

DOES ANYBODY REALLY KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?

There’s an opportunity in here somewhere for a savvy marketer. Patricia Pao, CEO of the Pao Principal, a retail specialty turnaround consultancy, has long been a fan of collecting and wearing men’s watches. But the originator of the concept "Watches as the New Handbag" recently completed some personal research and found that women looking to attract a man might want to rethink the sexy clothes and high-end perfumes. Seems one thing that catches all guy’s eyes are a man’s watch on a woman’s wrist. And which one did the job best? Pao says it’s the Tag Heuer Monaco, which “consistently generated widespread interest from dads at my god-daughter's Little League game in Los Angeles, to male airplane and train seatmates, even in my doctor's waiting room.” Yeah. ‘Coz we all know how interested men are in watches. Sheesh. Further details can be gleaned from her PR flack Len Stein at lens@visibilitypr.com.

TRACE YOUR FAMILY TREE, BACK TO THE TREE

A Seattle company called Genelex is pushing an unusual product for holiday gift giving. For a fee and a saliva sample, they say they’ll trace anyone’s roots all the way back to their prehistoric ancestry. “Thanks to breakthrough archaeological genome mapping, the origins and migration of ancient human clans can now be revealed for everyone by DNA testing,” they say in a release. Genelex maintains that everyone on Earth can be traced back “to one of the world's 33 maternal or 18 paternal clans.” Maybe so; but for the $895 they charge, how can you be sure? Who’s gonna dispute them? The Geico caveman? See if you’re descended from nobility at Genelex.

STILL DEAD, STILL EARNING

Our good friends over at Forbes.com have a macabre story out today, just in time for Halloween: They’ve listed the top-earning Dead Celebrities for the year. In a surprise twist, the No. 1 spot did not go to Elvis Presley but instead to the late (Yes, we know: they’re ALL late. Just seems disrespectful not to add that) Kurt Cobain. The former Nirvana lead singer pulled in a healthy (Ooooh. Sorry.) $50 million, followed by Elvis at $42 million, and Charles Shulz of “Peanuts” fame at $35 million. The rest of the top 10, as well as other interesting tidbits about the dead, can be found at Forbes.com/DeadCelebs. But we must add, such an obsession with death seems a little, well, “ooky.”