Short Takes

KNOW ANYONE THIS ANNOYING?

Some pet owners believe their animals are smarter than the average bear, and a company called Canine Genius is going after those folks in a big way. The company is touting its new line of treat toys for dogs called “Leo,” named after Renaissance genius Leonardo da Vinci. The device holds a piece of kibble inside that your dog must figure out how to remove. Plus, several pieces of Leos can be joined together to create a more complex puzzle for the pooch. (Isn’t that kind of like “doggie torture”?) “When the toys are connected, the treats inside can move from one toy to another. Design puzzles specifically for your dog's individual problem-solving level,” they exclaim. Swell. Except, what if your dog’s an idiot?

THE BELLY RUB GOES HIGH END

The mutts in our house have it made: a fenced-in yard, two meals a day, a daily walk and unlimited rubs, pats and scratches. So we’re a little befuddled as to why anyone might want to pay 35 bucks for a pair of “Hot stone massage rocks” for their dog! But that’s what Stone-Healing.com is pushing for concerned pet owners. Far be it from us (As if) to poo-poo anything’s healing powers, but the author of the book, The Art of Stone Healing, believes the method can be helpful to dogs and cats. You can see their complete line at Stone-Healing.com, but we’ll pass. Our filthy beasts have it too good as it is…

REPEAT TO YOURSELF: 'IT'S A DOG . . .'

It’s been a while since we found a pet company to snark about, so we’re overdue. The online pet center I Love Dogs.com is out with news today that they’re marketing an exclusive, one-of-a-kind collar for your beast, for the tail-wagging sum of $1.8 million. And what does the four-legged crumb-cruncher get for that? “Sixteen hundred hand-set diamonds adorning the graceful chandelier design that includes a stunning 7-carat, D-IF, brilliant shape center piece diamond.” (All together now: Oy.) Someone should remind these folks that they’re DOGS. They sniff each other’s BUTTS. (SFX: Disbelieving writer stomping off in disgust…)

CALLING A SPADE A SPADE

We like when marketers just “put it out there” and clearly identify who they are and what they sell. Today’s lesson comes from Snob Hounds.com, which is a place we’d never shop for our beasts, but we’re known for our proclivity toward thrift, so no surprise there. But they sure are up front about their dog-clothing line: “Snob Hounds, the leading canine performance clothing and accessory line on the market, features distinctive products that range from high performance to luxury, all in a new system of multi-functional, trans-seasonal, canine lifestyle wear.” Yeah, ‘cause you wanna look good when you’re rolling around in that “patch” you just discovered…

WE JUST FOUND OUR NEXT JOB

An online company called “E-Training for Dogs.com” does just that: offers training sessions to overcome bad behaviors or other concerns about dogs, online. Now they’ve announced they’re marketing a canine massage certification course for those looking for a new career. But it’s not for the easily bored: “This is a rigorous and comprehensive certification with over 50 hours in-class time and over 150 hours home study,” they said in a release. Still, how hard could it be? Dogs love to be rubbed, people love to make their dogs happy and will pay big bucks to do so. Sounds like a win-win to us, but it ain’t cheap. The total for the three required courses is $2,040. But at the end you’ll be a “Certified Canine Massotherapist.” Which beats “Snarky Online Columnist” by a mile …

AT LEAST THEY CAN LICK THE STAMPS

Taking America’s obsession with its pets to the next (absurdist) level, a Philadelphia company is now marketing a line of greeting cards from your pet to you. Never mind how your dog is supposed to pay for the card (They have no money, remember?) or even sign it (No opposable thumbs, either), at least they’re on track with the proper sentiments. Some of their best-selling greetings include "Sorry I peed in the house . . . I thought you'd think it was cute," and "It's your birthday . . .now get outta bed and cook us some breakfast." Wonder if they take outside submissions? We’d suggest “Stop blaming all that gas on me . . . we both know who it REALLY was.” See the full line at From Your Pet.com.

NOW THAT ALL THE PEOPLE ARE HEALTHY . . .

In a bid to retain some relevance and maybe make a buck or two as well, the American Red Cross has decided that it will now look after the health of America’s pets. The nonprofit group has put together a DVD titled Dog First Aid, which is pretty self-explanatory. “Dog First Aid has the most up-to-date and reliable information available to keep your dog healthier and better protected,” they said in a release. The DVD is available at RedCrossStore.org, or by clicking Here. But at $16.95, we hope there’s a section that explains to dogs the dangers of scraping their butt over the rug.

WELL, NOW THAT EVERY OTHER PROBLEM IS SOLVED . . .

Man, sometimes these things just write themselves. To wit: “National pet products expert and New York socialite Charlotte Reed is proud to announce the launch of her 11-city ‘The Good Manners Tour.’ Charlotte will bestow her own celebrity panache to pet parents nationwide, ensuring that their dogs are just as envied as any A-List dog.” Oy. Reed is apparently undertaking the tour to flog her new book, The Miss Fido Manners Complete Book of Dog Etiquette (Yes, really), and a number of high-end sponsors are along for the ride. Complete details are at Miss Fido Manners.com. Or, you can do like we do and make that “Hssst!” noise that Dog Whisperer Cesar Milan makes. It works on our mutts; they think we’re crazy.

PEOPLE GO GREEN; WHY NOT PETS?

Well for one thing, they don’t know the difference. But for concerned owners, a company called Bella Creature Comforts.com is marketing beds and wraps (?) made from recycled cotton. “The fiber is recovered as pre-consumer apparel scrap from cutting rooms, so new plants need not be grown, harvested, processed and dyed,” the company said. “Using clean recycled cotton saves, energy, water, and decreases the amount of consumer waste slated for a landfill.” Cool. So we looked into a large bed for our beastly dogs. Ummm, $179.99??! Looks like someone’s gonna keep sleeping on that old, ratty wool blanket. Sorry, pups; daddy’s a cheapskate.

BEST OF BOTH WORLDS

So, combine gift baskets with pets and what do you get? If you’re the Gift Tree.com, you get a “new line of unique pet gifts to pamper furry friends.” Yes, instead of bringing home the occasional squeaky toy, you can now order a complete basket full of stuff for your favorite pet. The baskets start at forty bucks and go up from there. Our mutts seem to like it when we bring home a new tennis ball. Cost? About a buck. Works for us.