Short Takes

ARE THOSE EYES FOLLOWING US?

Ever seen one of those old portraits where the person’s eyes seem to follow you around the room? Now a company called Ink AfterLife.com is marketing a method to sort of make that a reality. Their service will take a loved one’s cremated ashes and mix them with a special inkjet cartridge “…which is then used to print an unforgettable memorial photograph of various sizes and on various mediums.” So, you can send them some of grandma’s ashes, and a headshot of her, and in six weeks they’ll send you back a new copy of the photo that has her ashes mixed in. Details are at Ink AfterLife.com, but does anyone else find this all just a tad creepy? Brrrr….

'HEY, D.E.A.: NEENER, NEENER!'

Most energy drinks come in a can these days, packed full of caffeine, taurine and other speedy substances. But the folks behind “Blow” have thrown all caution to the wind and are pushing their product in the most blatant way possible. The stuff, in white powder form (and containing 240 grams of caffeine and 2,000 grams of Taurine. Yow!), comes in resealable glass vials. You’re supposed to dump the contents into any 16 oz. beverage and drink it. Subtle, no? Even more in your face is their Web site at I Love Blow.com, complete with scantily-clad babes on the homepage, although we can’t discern exactly why they’re there. They also offer branded “I Love Blow” T-shirts, tank-tops and thongs (But of course!) for sale. You should buy some Blow now, because it’s only a matter of time before the Feds get in a twist and shut them down. Then you’ll own a collector’s item! (But, on the downside, the government will also have your address as a customer. Your call.)

"YOU WILL BUYYYYY THIS BOOK!"

Striking out in the love department? An advocate of hypnosis thinks you should try his Web site that offers, among other things, spells for use on the object of your desire when all else fails. The site is called The Love Stroke.com (Oy vey) and offers this subtle advice: “One answer to the problem of a reluctant lover might be to hypnotize her, convince her that ‘she wants you, she needs you, she loves you’, then sit back and reap the rewards.” (Yeah, good advice there, Kreskin.) They also justify using such methods thusly: "This is exactly what happens every day in messages from advertisers, salespeople and marketers of all types. It is just as ethical as someone of either sex wearing attractive clothing, makeup, hair coloring or fragrances to attract and seduce the people they desire.” (Uhhh, no, it’s not.) How soon do you think it’ll be before we see these folks on a hidden camera on NBC’s Dateline? Sheesh.

YEAH, WHO DIDN'T SEE THIS COMING?

Martial arts film and TV icon, and apparent all-around superman Chuck Norris has apparently decided that if anyone is going to make money off of his name, it’s going to be him. It was announced this week that he’s signed with LA-based Brand Sense Partners, LLC, “to identify and execute new business ventures that advance his position as one of pop culture’s most enduringly popular stars.” (He’s Chuck Norris; he doesn’t do “humble.”) “We are honored Mr. Norris has selected Brand Sense, and we look forward to building a program for this living legend and international icon, who is truly in a league of his own,” the company said in an understated release. For those who are unclear on just how valuable a commodity he is, we direct your attention to the viral Web site, The Chuck Norris Facts.com. We wish we were so cool.

FEAR SELLS

Ask any bride and she’ll tell you—in vivid detail—all the nightmares she’s had about what could go wrong on Her Big Day. Now the Travelers Insurance Co., sensing an opportunity, has come out with a no-deductible wedding insurance policy. All the details and estimated costs are available at Protect My Wedding.com, but we especially like some of the specific items your policy might cover. They include, “No Dress,” “Transportation Shutdown” (Hello, JetBlue?), “Ruined Photos,” and, given the tenor of the times, a new fear, “Called to Duty.” It all makes eloping look better and better.

BACK TO THE BASICS

If you had a product that was generally misunderstood, how would you market it? That’s the dilemma facing the folks in Hoopeston, Illinois, who run The Witch School. So they did what any higher education institution would do: They sent out a press release and scheduled an open house. It all takes place in the Midwest town on Feb. 10. "People have questions about Wicca and Witchcraft," according to school president Don Lewis. "We have answers that we are willing to share with the public.” Fair enough. But we also like the fact that although they’re rooted in centuries-old traditions, they’ve also embraced today’s technologies. One of the seminars they’ll run that day is titled, “How to Film Your Ritual for YouTube.” Man, if we had a broom we’d be sure to fly in for that. (Sorry, couldn’t resist. Yes, we know, we’re VERY immature.) Full details are available at the Witch School Web site.

RING AROUND THE CALLER

A release out of the U.K. today touts what it says is one of the top fears of the British populace: Embarrassing Ring Tones. (Yes, really) We have to take the news with a grain of salt, as it comes from a company called DialaPhone, which sells phones, iPods, PSPs and other electronics as well as ring tones. According to DialaPhone’s research, “A massive 90% of Brits have been criticized by friends and family for their choice of ring tones. Embarrassed users can often be seen frantically trying to answer a call as people all around them stare in disbelief at the poor choice of ring.” Haw! We ride the train with that guy!

EVERYBODY’S GETTIN’ INTO THE ACT

The folks who make Sharpie markers—favored by those who give autographs a lot, apparently—will be in Miami later this week as part of the Super Bowl hoopla. The company will display, and later auction off, a one-of-a-kind Sharpie marker encrusted with 1,300 Swarovski crystals and 65 perfect-cut diamonds. It’s all part of an effort to introduce the company’s “Autographs for Action” fundraising program. Full details on the program and auction are at Sharpie.com. But you’ve really got to want that pen; with the bling attached, it’s worth an estimated $10,000.

CONTEST ALERT

Every so often, we run a caption contest in the print version of “Short Takes” in Brandweek the magazine. (Yes, MORE Short Takes. Can you believe it?) We’ve been getting so many good responses to the most recent one, that we’ve decided to open it up to everyone. Take a look at the photo attached to this story (Click on it to see a larger version), then send your witty captions to Senior Editor Jim Edwards at jedwards@brandweek.com. Fame awaits!

ELVIS LIVES!

You’d think the U.S. Postal Service would have plenty of money, but apparently they’ve seen the value (and cash!) that good marketing can produce. Case in point is a release we got today whereby the USPS notes that the best-selling stamp of all time features the King himself, Elvis Presley. He leads the Top 25 list of the most popular commemorative stamps ever, with 124.1 million sold to date. The top five best-sellers list is rounded out by Wonders of America (87.5 million), Wildflowers (76.1 million), Rock & Roll/Rhythm and Blues (75.9 million), and (Geek Alert!) DC Comics Super Heroes (73 million). In case you were wondering, the USPS takes in $72 billion annually. We think we’re in the wrong business.