Short Takes

WHO BETTER TO JUDGE A BLOND?

In case you were hoping Paris Hilton might make a surprise appearance at your New Year’s Party this weekend (As if), don’t hold your breath. A late-breaking newsflash arrived today, telling us that Ms. Hilton, along with The World's Number One Big Wave Surfer Koby Abberton (Caps theirs, not ours) will be in Australia “searching for a beautiful Australian woman to be the face of low-carb beer, Bondi Blonde for 2007.” And we especially like the precision with which the day’s events are laid out: “1 p.m.: MEDIA & PHOTO CALL New Year's Day. All media to be inside the venue by 1:30 p.m., as any late-comers will be refused access; 2 p.m.: Paris Hilton Arrives for the Judging; 3 p.m.: PRESS CONFERENCE - Paris Hilton and Koby Abberton Announce the Winners of The Search for the Face and Promotional Team of Bondi Blonde.” Not exactly breaking a sweat there, is she? No word on how much Bondi is paying to have “The Brand Known as Paris” appear at their little hootenanny.

LUCKY FOR THEM IT’S DEAD TODAY

As our Slowest News Week of the year drags on, we got pitched this morning by OxiClean, those folks who make a product that can clean everything (or so they’d have us believe). And they want everyone to know that they took a survey (Yawn!) about what famous person would make the most desirable New Year’s date this year (Yeah, we thought the same thing: Wha?) Anyway, turns out that those who bothered to vote picked Matthew McConaughey and the Black-Eyed Peas’ Fergie as Top Date Choices. Wheeee. And, stretching the metaphor as far as they could without breaking it, OxiClean tells us “Who else cleaned up this year” (Sheesh), citing Kirstie Alley and Ashlee Simpson as having the best celebrity makeovers of 2006; Dakota Fanning as the teen with the squeaky-cleanest image of the year; and Britney Spears and Tom Cruise as the biggest celebrity messes. PLEASE let the holidays be over soon….

SAME CHURCH, DIFFERENT PEW

Someone else is also marketing their “help” as a holiday gift. ProfileHelper.com bills itself as “offering the perfect gift to help the single person in your life make an irresistible first impression.” And what does your recipient get for their gift certificate? “They will get a one-hour personal consultation with nationally respected Online Dating Expert Eric Resnick, where Eric will teach them everything from how to choose the right dating site for them, to how to pick the best matches, and the secrets to making that ever difficult first contact.” Not for nothing, but isn’t that a best friend’s job? And again, the expression on their face when they see what you got them might not be one for the memory books. Your call.

HOW MANY TIMES CAN YOU HEAR THAT DREIDEL SONG?

Leaving no stone unturned as it attempts to build market share, XM Satellite Radio announced today that it is launching “Radio Hanukkah” from Dec. 15 through the 23rd. “With a specific focus on the music and traditions that celebrate the festival of Hanukkah, classic and off-the-wall renditions of traditional Hanukkah songs, such as "I Have a Little Dreidel" and "Maoz Tzur," will be showcased on the channel,” the company said in a statement. (And being somewhat goyish, we thought the only other Hanukkah song around was that one by Adam Sandler. Shows what we know.) In addition, Barenaked Ladies, Al Franken, Kinky Friedman, Neil Sedaka, Dr. Ruth and Larry Miller are among the Jewish celebrities who will be participating in the programming. Finally, just to make sure someone tunes in, XM is offering Radio Hanukkah and the entire XM Radio Online lineup for free through the 23rd, to anyone who signs up at XMRadio.com with the password, “TheChosen.” We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again: Oy.

ELVIS: STILL DEAD. STILL SELLING

The marketing phenomenon known as Elvis Presley shows no signs of abating. Despite dropping this year to the No. 2 slot of Top-Earning Dead Celebrities (behind Nirvana’s Kurt Cobain), the Presley name still draws attention and money. That may be why the Memphis-based Ugly Mug Coffee Co. has come out with the “2006 limited edition Elvis Coffee Christmas Collection, which includes for the first-time ever two Elvis Hot Chocolate mixes.” (You think we make this up?) The various caffeine offerings, available online at ElvisCoffee.com, go for an average $16 a pound, which might seem a bit steep, but remember, it’s got ELVIS on the label! What, you’re balking? And you call yourself a fan?

GET YER GEEK ON

Even though it’s been 40 years since they aired an original episode, the classic TV show Star Trek—and its spin-off programs and films—is still managing to generate income for some. A Burbank, Calif., company called It's A Wrap! Production Wardrobe Sales has announced an upcoming sale of Star Trek props and wardrobe. The sale will take place at both eBay and at It’s a Wrap Hollywood. Not being a Trekkie, we’re unsure as to the value of some of the items listed for sale, but for those of you who know the official Vulcan Greeting, they include the Borg Alcove complete with the actual Borg itself (And we have NO idea what that previous sentence means); a Klingon Bat-Leth sword (Ditto); and uniforms worn by Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock, among others. Write it down in your captain’s log; the sale date is Dec. 15.