Short Takes

BACCHUS WOULD BE PROUD

With all the limits on alcohol-related advertising these days, the Web would seem to be the next logical choice for purveyors of adult beverages. That theory will be tested on June 1 with the launch of The Winery Channel.tv, a site devoted to all things grape. The site will offer interviews with distinguished winemakers, as well as tips on pairing food and wine from noted restaurateurs. And, like any new endeavor, the owners seem ready to throw everything up there and see what sticks. They also note they’ll be featuring “‘Comics on Wine,’ [showcasing] hot new comedians, ‘Rex Havoc and His Horse Brokeback,’ (?) [offering] wine tips from a cowboy's perspective, (??) and the animated ‘Bacco DiVino,’ bringing a humorous touch to the world of wine.” We’re dizzy already.

WHO YA GONNA CALL?

We’re a mere four weeks away from the start of hurricane season in the U.S., so All Road Communications is cranking up its PR machine in anticipation of a busy time. The company rents Satellite Phones, which it notes in a release “are an essential part of any emergency preparedness plan, as they are the only phones that will work when the land lines are down and the cell towers are out. Sat phones operate independently of the land-based phone networks and the power grid.” Fair enough, but who are you going to call when the phones and power are out, the wind is screaming and the water’s lapping at the door? You: “Please come and get us. We didn’t evacuate and now we’re trapped.” Them: “No. You idiots.”

LOOKING FOR LOVE IN ALL THE RICH PLACES

We joined a new dating site today, even though we’re happily married. It’s called SeekingMillionaire.com, described as “a millionaire dating website aimed at helping wealthy men and beautiful women find real love.” The idea is that those (men, presumably) of a certain means deserve to find mates that meet their criteria (Read, “Hot”). But we found their registration site to be pretty trusting, allowing us to fill in any information we wanted. Here’s a tip for them: If we were pulling down a salary in the high six figures (As a journalist? Heh.), we sure wouldn’t be trolling for gold-diggers on the Internet. Still, they have yet to send us our password, so maybe they’re not as naïve as we’d hoped. Stay tuned.

"WANNA FEEL MY HARD DRIVE?"

Yes, it does sound obscene, doesn’t it? Still, that may be the line a company called “Schtickers” is hoping for. The Seattle-based product design house “develops products that allow customers to bring a new look and a new life to things they already have.” What they’ve developed this time are Suede Skins, “a revolutionary new line of Laptop Skins made of Ultrasuede.” Why anyone would want such a thing is open to debate, but a company rep justifies it thusly: "We really love the ability to transform your laptop into a luxury product, and end up having people lining up [Italics added] to ask if they can touch your laptop." Yeah, that’s JUST what we want; some mouth-breather hovering nearby going, “Hey, can I rub your laptop?” No. Go away, you weirdo…..

FOR THOSE WITH TOO MUCH MONEY, HELP IS ON THE WAY

Got a regular chore that’s really starting to irritate? If so, you should patronize a new site, Do My Stuff.com. It’s like a barter destination, where people with chores are looking for other people to do those chores for pay. Those interested in bidding put up a price, and competitors come in lower to try to win the job. Those doing the hiring then get to pick who they want to work for them, at least temporarily. It’s like an online version of “Help Wanteds,” except you can discriminate as much as you like, apparently. Wonder what we’d have to pay someone to follow our three dogs with a shovel every evening during their walk?

CN U RL8?

If you can read that title (above) clearly, you should sign up for the newest promotion from LG Mobile Phones. It’s the “first organized text messaging competition, the LG National Texting Championship.” (And we now pause for a sec and mutter, “Get a job, you slacker…) The idea is to find the fastest texters on both the East and West Coasts, and then have a shootout in a winner-take-all competition. “Contestants will have the chance to test their texting capabilities based on speed and accuracy. They will be competing against each other in front of a crowd of supporters, battling it out on their enV by LG QWERTY keypad mobile device for money, fame and the LG National Texting Championship crown.” Yeah, scoff all you want; the winners gets a cool $25,000. Dunno when they’d ever have the opportunity to wear that “crown,” though. Details are at Life With LG.com.

…AND A PLACE TO PUT IT ALL

Hot on the heels of the previous story, we got this marketing note from Dell Computers: “Starting today, Dell and Alienware customers purchasing select XPS, Aurora and Area 51 gaming desktop computers can super-size their storage space by adding the world’s first consumer one terabyte (TB) hard drive from Hitachi Global Storage Technologies.” For those less than technically savvy, that means one trillion bytes of data, or, as Dell points out, “…enough space to store an incredible amount of data—a million photos, 16 days of DVD quality video or even a million minutes of music.” They should enter into a joint agreement with those guys above.

SOUR NOTE

While we currently have to endure cell-phone ringtones featuring rap, Broadway show tunes, “The William Tell Overture” and other ear-pollution on our daily rail commute, we now face the possibility of Caribbean ringtones as well. A company called Karib-Tonez.com is threatening selling various reggae, kompa, soca (?) and other tunes for your phone over its Web site. If you’re so inclined, be sure to read the fine print, which says it’ll charge $9.99 a month for updated tones, until you tell them to stop. Good luck with that.

CALL IT LIKE YOU SEE IT

Got a BlackBerry device? Think you can’t live without it? If so, you’re not alone, and some smart entrepreneurs are cashing in on your addiction. Today was the official launch date for CrackBerry.com, “The #1 site for BlackBerry users and abusers.” Along with forums and a beginner’s guide for the newbys, they even offer a free CrackBerry.com e-mail address for hardcore fans. Talk about giving the people what they want!

WHY BOTHER THINKING AT ALL?

Faced with a tough decision, most people would weigh the pros and cons, take a shot, and hope for the best. But Decision Girl.com thinks that’s WAAAAY too much work for today’s female adolescents. So the site is marketing itself as a destination for those who need help making decisions. (Yes, really.) For a nominal $6.95 charge, users get a password to log on to the “Decision Wizard,” which “guides users through a series of questions, calculations and double-checks in order to lead you to an understanding of which alternative fits into the picture of your ideal life.” Or, you could take that $6.95, head to the local toy store, and buy one ‘o them Magic 8-Balls. That works, too.